I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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