mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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