1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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