is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
