thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize