He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
why is half of my head shaved?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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