Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Pants are for mortals
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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