I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Randomize
