Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
