Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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