Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Dicks are not precious.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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