dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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