just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
