I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
