By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize