i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize