kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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