I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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