Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
