I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just cropdusted the office
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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