Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
