i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
