areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
