If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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