It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
