You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
