you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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