Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
