Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
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Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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