im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
