I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
