don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
