Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
