I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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