i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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