I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
