If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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