I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
