I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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