Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
