Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
