I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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