The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize