this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
