I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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