i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
