is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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