what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
