Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
