My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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