my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
