NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
