I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
