Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
