Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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