I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I wish life had little blips of pornography
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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