i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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