I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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