i may or may not be watching the land before time
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You made out with two different species that night
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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