I met the friendliest cop last night
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
