man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
