Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
