Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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